This is how I cook a turkey!

How to Cheat at Turkey! Get it on the table fast with a pressure cooker. Sometimes you don't have hours to wait while your turkey roasts away in the oven. For example, maybe you were up a bit late drinking the night before, suddenly it's 11:30 and if you've got guests at 1:00! What to do???!! Well, The Meat Guy is here to tell you what to do. The example below is with our Bone-in Turkey Breast, but you can do this with any turkey small enough to fit in your pressure cooker. You know what else? You can even do this with a frozen or partially frozen bird, it will take about 75% longer to cook but it will still come out great.
Step 1: Start with a turkey, or any type of bird, best if it's been dressed and cleaned, give it a name. I named this one "Pookie Bird". Step 2: Trim the extra skin from the neck-hole and make some space between the skin and the breast meat. Step 4: Stuff as much bacon as you possibly can into the space between the skin and the meat. Why? Because bacon is good, also turkey breast meat tends to get dry because there is not fat, the bacon melts as it cooks and all that fat keeps it juicy. We sell bacon, by the way, if you try and use bacon from some other source you will probably have some BIG problems so you should only use our bacon. If you want to go a step further you could probably even stuff some lard in there, that would be good I think. Step 5: Give "Pookie Bird", or whatever you've named your fowl, a rub down with some spices. Talk to it gently, tell it that you love it. I use our not-really-so-famous Almighty Spice, you should too! Step 6: Stuff it all into a pressure cooker, if you don't have a pressure cooker, go buy one, they are awesome. Put the part with the bacon sticking up so that gravity will help with the juicy-ness. Step 7: Add a glass of wine (or any liquid really) the best thing about wine is that you can open a bottle, use one glass for "Pookie Bird", and drink the rest! You could do the same with orange juice I suppose but it wouldn't be as much fun. You only need one cup, at most two, you're not making soup. If you want to really add some flavor throw in some onions, garlic, apples, herbs, maybe some barbecue sauce--we sell barbecue sauce, by the way. My pressure cooker has two settings, "I" and "II", I don't know what they mean but, given the choice, I always turn it up to eleven, you should too! Step 4: (wine's starting to hit me, can't count) Most instructions for pressure cookers say to turn your burner on high or medium until you build up a full head of steam. Don't do it! You might suddenly notice that there's no more wine in the bottle and you need to make a run to the conbini, then there's a line, and some new chocolates they didn't have last week, and by the time you get back, it has all gone to hell. Put the fire just a bit above low and wait, once it hits steam let it got for 45 minutes to an hour, then let it cool. Poke at "Pookie Bird" a time or two, the meat should be tender enough to pull away with your fingers, if not, put the lid back on and give it another go. Now you've got a fully cooked turkey, or bone-in breast, but it's not beautiful, not yet a centerpiece. Which is why we need one more step. Step 5: "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!" To make "Pookie Bird" ready for company, you need to brown that skin. Hooray for the blow-torch! This will work better if you pop the turkey in the oven, on high, for about 15 minutes, but you can skip that if you want to and go straight for the burn. Just take the torch and start painting the bird with flames of love. Start in a spot that's less obvious because you need to find the right distance to hold the torch so that it browns without singing, then brown away. This works better if you brush down the "Pookie" with some olive first, even better yet if you mix a little honey into your olive oil. In a couple minutes you'll have something near perfection. Step 7: Lie. Lie to everyone, tell them you've been slaving over an oven, basting and tenting and basting some more to get this pookie perfect piece of perfection. Tell them it was your grandmothers recipe, passed down to you on here death bed, tell them that grandma always turned it up to eleven in the end. Serve with gravy. (note: the final photos here don't really show how nice this bird came out, that's because the photographer was drunk)
There you have it, a 4 hour cooking job done in an hour and a half. And best of all, you get to use a BLOW TORCH!! The world would be a better place if all of life's problems could be fixed with a blow torch.
Product ID	T014
Size	about 4 Kg
Price	6,120 Yen/pc
Approx. cost per unit	6,120 yen