Monday, March 30, 2009

Meat News Volume 12ish – Love is in the Meat!

Meat News Volume 12ish – Love is in the Meat!


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Happy February to all, it is the time of the year for the Valentine’s celebrations and we’ve got some good luvin’ for you.  A lot of folks don’t know this but in addition to being an expert on all things meaty, I’m also a bit of Love Doctor.  Kind of a like cupid, in the sense that I’m a bit pudgy and have been inappropriately naked in public more times than I care to remember.  As a service to the community this fine Valentine season I’ve put together a few amorous tips for the fellows and a couple for the ladies as well.    


I wasn’t always the connoisseur of romantic escapades that I am now.  Back at the Loup County High School in Nebraska I was the fourth best looking guy in my class.  Unfortunately, there were only three girls in the class so that left me the odd man out.  I spent many a Saturday night home alone.  While my friends were off dating I was practicing my nunchucks out behind the barn, I got pretty good at whacking myself in the back of the head.  It was years later that my wife explained to me that actually it wasn’t my looks that were the problem, it was my personality.  A trait that is tragically much harder to change.  So lesson number one, if you don’t have the looks, invest in a personality that attracts the females.


Customizing your personality can be a bit of a tricky undertaking.  It’s a sad fact that the one the ladies want, is not the one you have.  I tried the whole “be yourself” approach on a number of last dates.  I was being nothing but honest when I shared that I was into nudey bars, drinking beer till I fall in a ditch, and looking up the skirts of high schools girls on the escalator.  Alas, women just don’t like honest, I think it started with their fathers who lied to them from the day they born, pretending to like to play tea or just assuming the strong silent posture because silence is a good way to keep your daughter from learning to curse.  While you probably can’t make a complete character overhaul in time for February 14th, there are some small steps you can take.  For example, try standing in front of the mirror and dropping an iron on your toe from shoulder height, keep doing it until you don’t even flinch when it hits, then plug it in and try it a few more times, now you should at least be able to go shoe shopping with your wife.


If you don’t have the looks and you can’t fake the personality, there is still one area that you can excel at like no other.  Long before there was such as thing as dollars or yen, pesos or euros, the currency exchange of the love market was meat!  Back during the last ice age it was the hunter that rolled up in his caveman Chevy Eldorado chock full ‘o mammoth meat that drove the cavechicks wild.  Bison bones were the bling of the day and nothing said “I love you” like a hambone in your pocket.  Take it from me, these methods still work today.  I used to have to beat ‘em off with a stick whenever I went to the club, that is until they kicked me out for getting maple breakfast sausage grease all over the floor.  If you want to get your lady in the mood for some lovin’, the smell of some back bacon frying will do the trick.  To really activate the woman’s primordial meat worshipping urges be sure to rip your shirt open and mess up your hair a little bit as you pay the delivery driver for your parcel from The Meat Guy.        


Ladies, the second best gift you can give your man on Valentine’s day is big ‘ol ribeye steak followed up with a nice slice of cheesecake.  If you need a clue as to what the best gift is then just check the history file on his web browser.  But ignore that “” link, that was probably just a mistake.  You might have heard that here in Japan the tradition is for you to give the man a box of chocolates on Valentine’s day and then he’ll return the gift sometime in March.  That’s a trap, don’t fall for it, I’ve been here for 14 Valentines’ days and not once have I been able to remember that silly White-Day thing.  Just let him know that you expect your gift on the “Man’s Valentine’s Day” which theoretically can occur anytime from the 14th – 21st.  A gas grill is a great way to spark up that old flame in the bedroom, by the way.


Finally, discussions of devotion always seem to lead to one inevitable question for me so I’d like to state clearly for the record that at no time during the nunchucks trainings sessions behind the barn was there any bovine lovin’ going on.  It was nunchucks only, and maybe some ninja stars, because they teach you early on the ranch that mooo means nooo...


Happy Valentiny,


-jp, L.D.



TMG International YK

4-1-1 Hamada-cho


Nagoya 457-0822 Japan

Tel: 81-52-618-3705

Fax: 81-52-618-3706



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